?

Log in

Mon Nov 12, 2007, 11:24 AM

I miss you already.
Mon Nov 12, 2007, 11:24 AM Mood: MiserableListening to: slipknotEating: chinese foodDrinking: moutain dewLast night, was tough... I didnt cry, but I was really really depressed. I was trying to hold back and be strong, looking back, it may have not been a good idea.

I walked into my moms room, (the backbedroom) and thats where we stored all of the stuff of moms, we moved from jims house.

the door had been shut all week, and when I opened it, the smell of jim, and his house, had flooded the room, and when I opened it, it was a blast of air, and my eyes welled up, and I just stood there, holding the nob of the door.

I walked in, and I looked at all of the things, and just thought about the memories attatched to them.

I walked over to the sink and seen a garbage bag with some stuff in it. I wasnt sure if it was really garbage that needed to be thrown out, or if it was something that eventually we would put away.

So I opened it, and there was some books, and some jewerly and some make up, and keys.

and then I seen this little grey oval shaped plastic thingy... I wondered what the hell it was.

So I picked it up, and realized it was one of those keychain attatchments that you record memos on. like say, "Pick up chicken and toilet paper"

and you can replay it back when ever. and record over it. my mom probably got it from some infomercial.

I pressed play.

It was jim. he said "Hi baby, I love you! I hope your having a good day! love jim"

my legs felt heavy and I felt almost faint. I sat down, and just looked at it, and I played it once again.

I couldnt cry... I couldnt speak. I just looked at it, and held it in my hand.

*sigh*

I dont know what to do. Its real, that he is gone, and its the hardest thing I have ever gone thro.

and its even worse to see and hear my mom go thro all of this. and the anger, and the hurt and the pain it has caused two familys.
everchanging
Mon Nov 12, 2007, 11:30 AM Mood: MiserableListening to: rise againstthe first time I really listen to this song, and heard what it really meant, was oct 22nd 2007.

Dedicated to Jim.

RISE AGAINST LYRICS

"Everchanging"

in the face of change
that's when she turned to me and said,
"i'm not sure anymore..."
and there amidst the waves
and the cloudless skies
that blanket the year before
i watch my life wash a shore

have you ever been a part of something
that you thought would never end?
and then of course it did
have you ever felt the weight inside you
pulling away inside your skin?
and then something had to give

[Chorus:]
now the lines are drawn
is this feeling gone?
the best parts of this have come and gone
and now that is all this is
with the reasons clear
we'll spend another year
without direction, full of fear
and now things will be different

there's nothing simple when it comes to you and i
always something in this everchanging life
and it probably always will
now that time is getting harder to come by
the same arguments are always on our mind
we've killed this slowly fading light

[Chorus:]
now the lines are drawn
is this feeling gone?
the best parts of this have come and gone
and now that is all this is
with the reasons clear
we'll spend another year
without direction, full of fear
but now things will be different

and now something has kept me here too long
and you can't leave me if i'm already gone

well now something (hey) has kept me here too long
and you can't leave me (hey) if i'm already gone

now let's say that something (hey) has kept me here too long
and you can't leave me (hey) if i'm already gone

make the same mistakes we're always hanging on
break the promises we're always leaning on
all this time spent waking up
{now i} keep this line open to get this call from you
{as you} speak the words that keep me coming back to you
now this time it's all different

now something has kept me here too long and now i'm gone...
emotional times
Thu Nov 15, 2007, 2:30 PM Mood: GloomyListening to: faith no moreReading: pewrfumeWatching: dexterEating: chinese noodlesDrinking: moutain dewSo this last monday night and on tuesday my day off. I was in a very emotional state. I was on and off crying and just remorsefull, and just up and down in the way I was feeling.

I ended up at the cemetary at 630am, standing in front of Jims grave.

even tho, I know he was not buried there, it was where he had some ashes put.

it was jim and his wifes headstone. (he had bought the headstone years earlier, so him and his wife could be buried there together.) the mother had died about 2 yrs ago, from cancer. had some ashes as well put there, the kids all have some ashes of each parent, and the rest put into the grave from what I understand. and the same thing was done with jim when he died.

so there I was at 6 in the morning, with the frost and the sun shining in front of jim grave.

I sat there for over an hour, and just cried. I had wrote a letter to him, and I read the letter outloud and cried, and I placed it by the headstone, held down by this plastic dog that was put there by one of the other family members previously.

I talked to ann, I talked to jim. I just talked. I cried. I talked more. at one point I completely broke down and hugged the headstone.

I know it sounds weird. but I just needed to get it out. I dont care if anyone was listening.

I know I didnt know ann. that was jims wife, who died two years ago of cancer, and he waited a yr to "date" again. and thats when he found my mother. they talked online for so long, then finally met. and with in like 6 months they were married, then after 3 amazing months of marriage, jim died.

I was in shock. Im still in shock. I had so much to say to him, I was looking forward to him getting out of the hospital. I was planning on talking with him about so many different things, and I was never able to say them to him.

I feel cheated, and angry that he was taken from us. he was an amazing man, and he had no anger towards anyone. he made life great, even tho he went thro hell and back. he still had this outlook on life that was amazing, and sweet, and kind.

I needed to tell him those things, even if he wasnt able to hear me. I still needed to tell him. So I wrote it down, and left it for him.

I talked and told him and his wife everything. It felt good to say it, but theres still a huge void.
Im grumpy...
Wed Nov 21, 2007, 12:42 PM Mood: GrumpyListening to: atmosphere and mike pattonReading: perfumeWatching: dumb and dumber when harry met lloydDrinking: peach ice teaIm in this weird state of being really angry. for no reason. everyones voice, and what they say, are hitting a nerve so hard, that I just want to scream. I just want to act out and freak the hell out. *pullshair* *sigh*

I think its, cause its just everything weighing down on me.

its the little stuff, that you shove underneath the rug, and it builds, and after a while, theres a small hump showing, and you try to stomp at it, and push it back down. it subsides for a while, and then you look again, and the hump has grown, and its huge now... and theres no way to hide it.

and now you have to deal with it. or it will consume you whole.

Right now, a lot of this is, from moving,, dealing with all of the family memebers and the gossip surrounding Jims death.

theres so much negitive vibs, and it eats at you. even if you dont realize it.

today is a month (to the day, oct 21st.) that Jim passed away. and tomorrow is thanksgiving. and we have to get thro that as a family. but its going to be the hardest day yet.

then christmas. thats going to be hard. so hard, especialy on my mother. and the fact Im broke!!! isnt helping out... bills are pilling up, and Im just getting frustrated.

I dont know I just feel this explosion inside of me, boiling, ready to pop and errupt. Im trying to keep calm, and just listen to my music. and not snap at people.

I just want tomorrow to be over with. I want christmas to be over with. Im so depressed and sad, cause we all miss Jim so damn much.

if you take any advice ever. cherish the ones you love. you dont know how long you have with them. act like everyday is your last day with them. love and cherish that time.

Wed Dec 26, 2007, 2:04 PM

happy friggin holidays.
Wed Dec 26, 2007, 2:04 PM Mood: IsolatedListening to: atreyuReading: perfumeEating: pizzaDrinking: moutain dewSooo... how was your Xmas? good? great? fun? did you get what you wanted? I hope so. I hope all of you had a great Xmas. and please have a safe new years! and drink a couple for me.

yeah... I had fun. I had lots of great food. but something was missing this year. it felt empty... without jim.

My mom made it thro. We made it thro. I was scared to death, that it would be this cry fest. and total emotional time. well it was... but I broke down after the party was over. and Im sure my mom did too.

my mom had this stupid 20 question ball. and of course she was thinking of things like "angel" and "soulmate" and it made her almost lose it, it was at the end of the family xmas party. she gave the ball to my sister and walked away. she held it together very well. it made me feel a tad better, cause if she would have totaly lost it. I dont think I would have held together as good as I did.

I tried to smile and laugh alot. I tried to play with the kids after dinner. (almost got in trouble, when hannah kicked a ball and almost took out the lamp, which probably cost more then my car)

my 2 brothers held me down, and flicked my new piercing (labret). it was, and still is so sore. uch:

I didnt get much. I got a thing of lotion and a 25 dollar gift card to sallys beauty supplie. and some towels.

I bought myself tho, 2 sweat shirts and my new piercing.

I was happy to be with family. but this year just wasnt the same without jim. and it would have been our first xmas.

so Im depressed about all of that. but happy for who I have around me.

I dont know.... I just really need to.... *sigh* I dont know, get my frustration out.

Mon Dec 31, 2007, 12:31 PM

Mood: uNF!Listening to: bury your deadDrinking: moutain dewI rented two movies last night. one planet terror. which was your lame zombie movie. but the gore factor was fucking awesome. I loved the gore. the story line... sucked just like every zombie movie.

then I watched the new halloween. Wow. Rob Zombie is brilliant. and, the kid that played micheal when he was young, was amazing, he had such a vulurable quality about him, that made you feel so much for him... and when he showed the monster inside, it made you scared as hell. but you still felt so much for him.

I now want to fuck, the guy who played grown up micheal myers... Tyler Mane. (with the mask on) and the guy who played Thomas Hewitt, (from texas chain saw mass) Andrew Bryniarskki (with his mask on) at the same time. that would be fucking amazing. imagine those big guys, and their strength man handling you...

ohhh yeah, give it to me baby. ummm... uhhh sorry. that was probably way to much info...

Ok I know Im weird.... 0.o

Anyhow, Im cleaning house and doing laundry today.

I hope everyone has a safe and fun new years eve. Happy new years everyone! I love you all and miss you all.

*hugs*

Thu Jan 10, 2008, 11:38 AM

My two favorite songs of all time.


Scars of tomorrow
Laying Stars To Sleep

I can no longer open my eyes, as I wish to embrace this the beauty of black feel the silence I cant wait for it all to turn black. Shattered bring fire bring death bring desired hollowed for life for death for peace no one can justify what we've done. When the sun finally sets it will be its last to never rise again. Our world breathes death.


As I lay dying
behind me lies another fallen solider

I want to bring You all that is in my heart
I want to bring You my everything
But I've failed You so many times
How can I stand here before You
When I begin to steal what only belongs to You?
I am able to bring You nothing that isn't already Yours
I am so ashamed of what I ever called my own.
Take what I have, take these broken remains.
What can I give to You that You don't already deserve?
You laid down Your life when I refused to give mine

Wed Jan 23, 2008, 8:46 AM

So on monday, I was at my desk, on a call, and I over hear this girl talking to my boss (who sits next to me) and I hear, Dominc from billing died. he lost control of the car, he was ejected, and the car landed on him. he died at the scene.

my heart sank. I hit mute on the phone, and jumped up, and I said dominic died?

and she looked at me and said yeah, and proceeded to tell me details, I did not want to hear.

Im shocked. it didnt really hit me. So I texted him. I emailed ryan in the billing dept to see what was going on. maybe, just maybe it was a different dominic.

it wasnt. no response from the text, and ryan confirmed everything.

he was a good guy. and he had 2 kids. and his kids was his life.

[link]

Dominic Xavier Bernhardt, 35, of Evans, passed away Thursday, Jan. 17, 2008, in Fort Collins. He was born May 25, 1972, to Ted and Lorida Gene (Quintana) Bernhardt in Greeley where he was raised and attended Greeley schools and moved to Fort Collins in December 2006. He married Lori Martinez on July 29, 1998, in Las Vegas.

He worked at Schaeffer Enterprises in Greeley, South College Liquor in Fort Collins and Center Partners in Fort Collins. He loved sports and participated in sport activities with his children. He enjoyed coaching his son's football team. Dominic liked to shop, bake and go out to dinner with his kids and enjoyed spending time with his family.

His dream was to go to college and get his teaching degree so that he could teach art and coach football.

Dominic is survived by his wife, Lori Bernhardt of Thornton; father, Ted Bernhardt of Evans; son and daughter, Tyler and Felisha Bernhardt of Thornton; sisters, Jeri Lopez of Evans, Toni Bernhardt of Greeley and Teri Brown of Fort Collins; nephews, Ryan Lopez of Evans and Bryce Talamantes of Greeley; and niece, Brittany Lopez of Evans. He was preceded in death by his grandparents and mother.

A memorial service will be at 2 p.m. Tuesday at Allnutt Funeral Service/Macy Chapel. Cremation will be completed

In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions may be made to the Dominic X. Bernhardt Fund in care of Allnutt Funeral Service, 702 13th St., Greeley, CO 80631.

you will be missed dominic. Im sorry I wasnt able to get to know you better.

JIM Sat Feb 2, 2008, 11:40 AM

this song reminds me of jim.

AVENGED SEVENFOLD

"Gunslinger"

Yeah, you've been alone
I've been gone for far too long
But with all that we've been through
After all this time I'm coming home to you

Never let it show
The pain I've grown to know
'Cause with all these things we do
It don't matter when I'm coming home to you

I reach towards the sky I've said my goodbyes
My heart's always with you now
I won't question why so many have died
My prayers have made it through yeah
'Cause with all these things we do
It don't matter when I'm coming home to you

Letters keep me warm
Helped me through the storm
But with all that we've been through
After all this time I'm coming home to you

I reach towards the sky I've said my goodbyes
My heart's always with you now
I won't question why so many have died
My prayers have made it through yeah
'Cause with all these things we do
It don't matter when I'm coming home to you

I've always been true
I've waited so long just to come hold you
I'm making it through
It's been far too long, we've proven our
love over time's so strong, in all that we do
The stars in the night, they lend me their light
to bring me closer to heaven with you

(Bring me closer)

But with all that we've been through
After all this time I'm coming home to you

I reach towards the sky I've said my goodbyes
My heart's always with you now
I won't question why so many have died
My prayers have made it through yeah
'Cause with all these things we do
It don't matter when I'm coming home to you

And with all that we've been through
After all this time I'm coming home to you

LOVE - Wed Feb 6, 2008, 11:39 AM

why is it, that every guy Ive been with, cant speak his mind, but yet there is guys in all of these amazing bands out there in this world, who POUR their hearts out, and tell everyone how they feel. but they cant say that to the girl they love and wanna be with... I mean seriously, check out these lyrics...

Complete and total adoration,
My gift to you, my heart was yours.
In ten weeks you shaped it,
In one night you murdered it.
Torn from my chest and laid at your feet,
That first step that you took was the worst.
Since then you've walked a thousand miles in silence and short remark,
And I still have these memories,
But we'll never see what we could have been.
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember. cause that's all you can do.
We'll never make another memory,
We'll never make another memory.
I wish I'd have died in your arms the last time we were together,
So I wouldn't have to wake without you today.
This time I thought things were real.
You said they were.
What happened?
You were a priority,
Was I an option?
I let you see a side of me that I don't share with anyone.
Promises are just words unless they are fulfilled.
You knew from the beginning all I had to offer you was my heart,
I'm sorry that wasn't enough.
So, we'll go our own ways,
And hopefully you'll remember the things I've told you,
Hopefully you'll understand that everything I said was in sincerity.
A broken heart is not what I wanted from this,
But I guess I've learned from it.
But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes?
I don't consider this a mistake,
I just wish the story didn't end this way,
Cause I'm still in love with the person who helped me write it.
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?

Thats fucking amazing. in so many ways. it blows my mind... but yet i havent seen or heard those kinda words come out of the mouth of any guys/boys/men Ive been with, or my friends been with.

is there even a guy like that who can tell you those kinda things? I hate being a girl... I hate it, cause we get so involved with emotions. *sigh*

I hold this emotion so high.... and I always get let down because of it.

*EDIT* on a side note, this is what I wrote previously, but posted on myspace.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

forced february
Current mood: hopeful
Category: Life

Time: 9:15pm
Eating: speghetti
Drinking: cherry kool aid
Listening to: avenged sevenfold
Reading: the haunted
Watching: clean house (yes i like that show!)

*sigh* february is coming up really fast. Its a month I dread. I hate. I dont want to be awake during it... because its every single fault and flaw you have, shoved into your face, and down your throat. even if your single or taken, its shoved down your throat until you vomit violently.

its suppose to be a month of love. its suppose to be a celebration. but instead, and Im sure theres lots of you, even if your in a relationship will agree with me, its a forced emotion, that is shoved onto you. It says if you dont show this person on this day, that you care for them, that you dont care at all. (which isnt true)

Its not that Im bitter. Its not that Im sad Im single. its the fact that I hold love so high, and Ive been hurt in the past, that Im not letting just anyone in,... just because Im lonely or need the attention or what ever you may think the reason is.

As of right now, I dont have someone in my life, because I need to work on myself. Im not ready for it, but I do want it. I know I want it, and who doesnt right? but I also know, Im not ready for it now. and that I have to work at other things before I let anyone in my life... I hope that makes sense.

I want someone I can share my life with, who seriously doesnt? I want someone that I can count on and I want them to count on me.

this may sound stupid... but I was watching this... ---> [link]

its all the guys in Avenged Sevenfold, talking about val and their love/friendship for/with her. and I dont mean like sexual or what ever. but Im some what envious of that. thats what I would love to have. just knowing someone for your whole life. knowing them and just seeing its love, knowing its love. its amazing. and their friendship is what started it all. it wasnt based on sex. or started with sex. thats what I want. (tho I know when its a need that needs to be scratched haha)

anyhow. I hope everyone has a good valentines day. I really do. because last year, I seen so many people that were miserable. I seen it on their faces. and I dont want to see it. I really dont.

I dont want people to feel the way I do. I dont want people to be miserable on this day. I want to see people happy. I want to see everyone cheerful and celebrating!!! I want to see the smiles on your face, because your happy.

because it gives me some type of hope, that one day... ONE DAY I will have it too.